I can't even remember what was said about my singing abilities.
All I remember was that my mom told me I shouldn't be focusing so much on the area that I wasn't as talented in, and immediately the doubt monster took the opportunity to creep up on me, my feelings and my self-assurance.

I love singing, as well as music in general. I wanted so badly to join the school choir. But when those feelings of doubt came upon me, I suddenly doubted my ability to sing. I felt terribly lame and inferior to the singers/vocalists in church as well as in school. I didn't dare to go for the choir audition, and just stuck to piano. As ashamed as I was for being a chicken, two conflicting sentences were whirling around in my mind. 'Why am I doubting my ability?' and 'Do I even have any ability to doubt?', the second one obviously being the doubt monster at work. My mom, to her defense, never said that I couldn't sing, she just said that I should focus more on my piano, which has always been my strength.

This is how easy it is for God's people to doubt themselves. The bible says that the devil comes to 'kill, steal and destroy' - our homes, our lives and our self-esteem.

Psalm 139:13-14 says:

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well."

1 Peter 3:3-4 says:

"Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious."

Isaiah 43:4 says:

"...you are precious in my eyes, honoured, and I love you."

I like to think that with God's help, I can do anything. Reading these verses just make me feel so warm and happy, instead of feeling empty and worthless when the doubt monster attacks. I have learnt, that we have to be careful, for the devil will make use of this 'doubt monster' to attack our self-confidence, and cause us to waste energy, emotions and time on being unhappy with ourselves.

I just had my choir audition today, and I got in to the Senior Girls' choir, Cantabile, where I will be both choir member and accompanist. Isn't God good?

Now there is one last thing I have to do:
I rebuke you, in Jesus Name, 'doubt monster'. You will never, ever be in the way of me serving the Lord with the gifts God has given me, and I will not let you affect the way I look at myself. For I am fearfully and wondefully made by God Himself, blessed abundantly with musical gifts, (which definitely includes singing). God loves me, loves how I sing and I am so sure of it. So move aside, in Jesus Name I pray. I have no room in my mind or heart for you.


:)

"You can do law. Or journalism. Something along that line."
What happened to the childhood world of 'You can be anything, as long as you believe?'
Really though, reality is such that there are prerequisites for anything you wish to do. I'm at such a disadvantage really, as compared to my peers. I don't know what I want to do in life, I don't have any solid aspirations for my 'dream Uni course'. I'm just a teenager, lost in between the conflicting worlds of fantasy and reality. What am I supposed to do, God? My friends here, they know what they want to do, their pathway for them seems so...clear. They know their goal in life and they plan early for it. They have their dream jobs in their minds, at such a young age, and take the subjects to begin their long journey ahead. Me? I've spent too much time dreaming about the novelty of various jobs, never once has ANY job idea ever made me go, 'OH I want to do that!'. So here I am now, doing subjects that others would consider 'easy', with not much interest in the occupations that stem from these.

This is the bad thing about not having compulsory subjects (with the exception of english and math) I guess. You can choose freely, but you have to be careful about it. My friends spent 3 years thinking about their future, I spent 30 minutes thinking before being rushed to fill out a form. Not that I don't like my subjects, I really do, but why is it that whenever I think about Uni courses or my job in the future, I feel an impenetrable sense of dread?

God, I so very badly want to find an aspiration for my life. I'm just so...clueless right now. It just feels like the phrase I've always said - '...when I grow up' is happening right now, and I feel like I am being thrust headfirst with not a clue where I am going. My job options are hard pressed upon me, and I just know that you have something better for me than just these two occupations. I just want so much find an aspiration that I can look forward to and be excited for. This is so hard, God. I'm feeling blindly through a dark hallway and I can't see what's at the end. I need some light oh God, I do so want to believe that you will lead me on to a path that I have the passion for. I want a job that I can look forward to and shine for you. I want it so badly.

Help me God, that even if I land up in a job that I might not like now, that you will give me an open heart to accept it and grant me peace in my heart to know that you will be there to help me through. I need your guidance so badly God.

Thank you God.

Diaries. I've always kept diaries where I've written prayers in the form of journal entries, emails, or letters addressed to God. These books are where I've shared my innermost feelings to God and is the place where I am utterly honest. :)

Quite recently I have been preoccupied by other worldly distractions and have momentarily ceased to write in my diary to God. Watching a little trailer of 'Letters to God', I have realised how special this habit of mine is, and it jolted me to get moving again.

So anyway I thought I would share with you guys my diaries over the ages, also to store away these memories in case I lose any of them as time passes by. :)

My diary when I was 7 to 8 years old: "Talking to Jesus Diary"


This was a simple journal type diary, of a material and colour similar to a school exercise book. The design is 'Classic Pooh', and I remember selecting this book in the gift store then because of a little slogan found on the cover and the back of the book - "Sometimes a day without rush is the best sort of day" - I couldn't agree more!

My diary when I was 9 to 11 years old:


This was a blue-spiralled notebook, white on the cover with pink trimmings all around - the classical 'sweet' diary. There was a slogan on the top that read "This is a rare gift from God". I remember that I only used shiny pen ink to write in the diary, my utmost favourite colour being shimmery orange. I even wrote my weekly schedule in the back cover! :)

My diary when I was 12 to 13 years old ( I started writing much more):


This was a grey paper notebook, wrapped with a beautifully soft and turquoise book- wrap, with 'Frank the Hippopotamus'' face on the front. I remember I got this in Guardian (the wellness shop) at the mall and selected this one because of its unique cover. This book is special content-wise as it recounts my PSLE year, my first encounters with the down-side of puberty (first period), my introduction to secondary school life, and many many other 'firsts' at that point in my life.

My diary when I was 14 to 15 years old (which is up till the present):


This is a glossy purple diary that comes with a lock and two keys, air flown from Wisconsin from my loving aunt. It is the shimmiest, shiniest, most glaring diary I have ever owned and I have filled it with numerous accounts. It hold memories of my whole entire braces episode, my first church camp as a teenager and the transition from lower to upper secondary, a trying period for me. :)

When I turn 16, I will get a new diary, as my current one is getting a bit to thin to hold out another year. :)
I am proud of my diaries, they hold so much meaning for me and I encourage you all to pick up such a habit; it is interesting to see how much you and your faith in the Lord has grown after a while! Reading past entries never fails to show how almighty God is as well as how everlasting his grace is. After all, His grace is always sufficient, isn't it? :D

Since it is such a beautiful date I'm going to make a special prayer cum wish to God:

Dear God,
It's 11 November 2011, and it is officially the 5,761 day of my life.
Over these years, I have grown under your love and grace.
But if there is one thing I would like to ask of you this day, it would be to learn to love myself.

I am not really pleased with myself, God, it may be because I'm currently under going some changes, but I feel weird, awkward even, about my appearance, and I have to admit that I never really feel good about the way I look.

So I pray that you'll help me understand and grasp hold of the fact that I am your precious creation, and let me see myself in a new light. Change the shy, insecure Claire into a confident, joyful one. Give me the courage to reach out to others.

Give me courage to accept the things I cannot change, a teachable heart to mend those I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Give me confidence, God.

Currently, going through such a phase in life isn't easy. I'm struggling with my physical appearance, my emotions, my thoughts. Help me also to accept the fact that I am growing up, and to embrace the future with the hope of your guiding hand that will be with me, instead of having an escapist mentality of always wanting to stay a kid.

Make me a better person, inside and out, and I pray with all my heart that you'll use me as a vessel of joy, love and inspiration to others for your Namesake.

Amen.

Hi! I haven't blogged in a long while.
After a long long period of preparation, the Chinese 'O' Level Papers are finally over!
And it's November now, which also means my departure is so very near...

This Sunday is my last time singing in the ELMM choir, most unfortunately. I have loved it so much, it is so so marvellous and exciting to be part of the team that leads the congregation in worship for God! Thank God for the fact that the songs about to be sung this weekend are my favourites! Hopefully I can continue serving the Lord!

Tomorrow is a special day - 11/11/11, also the day of the event "To Singapore with Love". It is a time when Christians all over Singapore pray, wherever we may be. There will be two waves, 11 am and 11 pm. When the clock strikes 11 both times, all christians should join in by praying a personal prayer of blessing to Singapore.

If you are a christian, I greatly encourage you to take part! Set your alarms to ring at the stipulated timeslots and participate in such a wonderful event!
Proverbs 11:11 says—By the blessing of the upright, a city is exalted.
Imagine God's people passionately flooding our city with life-giving prayers of blessing!

HERE ARE THE DETAILS EVERYONE!!!

WHEN?

11.11.11

First Wave: 11 am

Second Wave: 11 pm

HOW?

Simple. Spontaneous. Synchronised.

Christians everywhere pray 11 minutes for our city-state.

Key Point: Speak Blessings!

Key Phrase: In the name of Jesus, we bless Singapore…

Pray in agreement.

Go viral!

Facebook, Twitter.

Call, Skype, SMS.

WHY?

Because we love God.

We love Singapore.

:)



Tomorrow, I'm going book shopping with my mum and bro! Going to finally check out Spiral, the fifth instalment in the Tunnels series. I haven't read it yet and I'm craving to do so! :)))

See you guys soon!

Hi God,
I'm really glad that you're making yourself visible to me (in the spiritual sense). I'm really glad that you're working in the lives of the people I've been praying for, it is really encouraging to my heart to see a change in these people, a change in which only you can bring about.

Starting tonight, I'm starting a 'Bible expedition' to really systematically read the bible each night! I'll start from Genesis and (hopefully) end at Revelations. From past experiences, this has never really worked because of my impatient nature of skipping books. :P
But I'll really put my mind to it this time!

Do continue to be with me God, through these testing weeks of exam preparations, crazy periods of stress, homework, papers, and even through this time help me to touch others for you and grow in my faith for you.

Thank you for giving me the confidence to go about everyday! :)

Hi God,
I've activated 'Stay Focused Extention' on my google chrome, to encourage myself to keep working without getting distracted!
But I'm really worried God, all my other friends and classmates already have study timetables and plans for revision, but I don't have any yet!

All I've been able to do this term break is mainly just holiday homework, nothing more! :(
And I'm afraid that I won't be able to complete my revision on time.

God do help me please, help me get a good report card at the end of the year!

:)